Real Talk (VII)

by Evan Lavender-Smith

—It’s so exhausting being psychic!

—What do you mean?

—It’s exhausting. It tires me out.

—What tires you out?

—Being psychic.

—What do you mean by that? Being psychic?

—That I’m psychic. I can see into the future.

—You can?

—Yes.

—How do you see it?

—In my head. If you were a psychic I guarantee you’d be totally exhausted all the time.

—What do you see in your head?

—Everything.

—Like what?

—How you’re going to die. How I’m going to die. The end of the world. I can see everything.

—You’re able to see how I’m going to die?

—Yes.

—How am I going to die?

—In a plane crash.

—That’s probably right. It’s what I’ve always imagined. How are you going to die?

—Plane crash.

—No way. You’re not going to die in a plane crash. You’re going to live to be very old.

—I’ve already seen it.

—How’s the world going to end?

—I don’t know. It’s dark. There’s too much smoke. It’s … it’s so exhausting.

—What else do you see?

—What we’re having for dinner tomorrow night.

—What are we having?

—Mac and cheese.

—That’s probably right.

—And broccoli.

—Yeah.

—And cake for dessert.

—I don’t know. I think your psychic powers are beginning to falter.

—I was just joking about the cake. I was trying trick you because you’re so gullible.

—What else do you see?

—I don’t know if you want to hear this part.

—Lay it on me.

—You’re never going to get famous.

—What?

—You’re never going to get famous.

—I don’t care about being famous.

—Yes you do. You’re going to spend your whole life trying to get famous but it’s never going to happen.

—It doesn’t matter. I don’t even care about being famous.

—Yes you do. Do you want to know what else I see?

—What?

—You’re going to go into the living room and watch baseball after I fall asleep.

—Definitely.

—And you’re going to drink seven beers.

—That’s probably right.

—Why do you drink so much beer?

—Because I like the taste. And it helps me turn off my brain. Don’t you ever drink beer, young lady.

—I don’t like the taste of beer.

—What? When did you taste beer?

—I didn’t.

—Then how do you know you don’t like the taste of it?

—Because I’m going to taste it in the future so I already know what it tastes like.

—Right.

—Do you want to know what else I see?

—Sure.

—A new puppy. A cute little puffball who sleeps with me every night in my bed.

—I think you’re seeing something from an alternate universe now.

—I was just joking about the puppy. I was trying trick you because you’re probably the most gullible person in the whole world. Do you want to know what else I see?

—Maybe.

—Are you sure? This one’s not good for you. You’re going to be upset. I’ve already seen you being upset after I tell you this one. You’re going to get really mad.

—I won’t get mad. I promise. Just tell me.

—Your book.

—My book? What about my book? The book I’m working on right now?

—Yes. That one. The book you’re working on right now.

—What about it?

—Your book. Your book. It’s … it’s …

—Come on. Spit it out.

—It’s …

—You better tell me right now.

—I don’t know. It’s dark. There’s too much smoke. It’s … it’s so exhausting.

—You better tell me what you were going to say right now, young lady, or else you’re going on timeout.

—I can’t. It’s so exhausting!

—You’re about to get grounded. I’m serious.

—I told you you’d get mad. See?

—I’m not mad.

—Yes you are.

—I don’t care about my stupid book.

—Yes you do. Do you want to know what else I see?

—No. Good night. Song or tickle?

—Just one more thing. That’s it.

—Is it about me?

—No. It’s about mice. Two of them. A yellow one. Mustard. A white one. Cool Ranch. In a cage. Here in my room. On the dresser.

—You’re a quack.

—And the moment I have them in my possession here in my room without having to pay for them with my allowance I see myself looking into the future and telling you everything you want to know about your book. How you’re going to make it really good and how to get it published with a really good publisher and even how to make it win an award or at least be a semifinalist for one. Anyway, good night. I love you. See you in the morning.

—Fine. You win. Get your psychic butt out of bed. Look into the future and tell me what time Petco closes.

Published on November 18, 2021

2021-11-18T14:16:14-04:00